Nightmares

Entry one

        Katia gave me a journal for Christmas, a book filled with empty pages in which I should fill. She claims that writing down my thoughts and feelings would help me remember my forgotten past. I scoffed at the notion. The very idea that writing in a journal would help me remember my past seemed ridiculous at best. Then I had the dream.

In this dream I am trapped inside a cage. Overwhelming fear grabs a hold of me. I knew just one thing that I had to get out of the cage because if I don't someone I care for would die. This person who I needed to save wasn't like Katia. My feelings for this person ran much deeper then my feelings for Katia ever would. I loved Katia, but I was in love with this person. I could see from my cage that my love being chased by a dark haired male. I couldn't see the male's face, but I knew his intention. He was going to kill the person whom my heart belonged to.

I banged onto the cage, screaming to be let out but the cage would open. I could only watch in horror as the dark haired male raised his sword and snapped it into my love chest, and it was only then that I was released from my cage. I rushed towards my love, but it felt strange. It felt as if I was waking from a long slumber.

Looking around I tried to find the dark haired male. Even if I couldn't save my love I would seek revenge, but he was no where in sight. He had vanished, at least that was what I thought until I chance a reflection in a clear pool of water nearby. Standing in the water was my loves killer. The killer all along had been me. My blade held the very weapon that pierced my love's heart. I dropped the weapon in disgust, and turned to flee when a voice stopped me. A husky male voice. " Now, don't do that brother."

Pausing, I turned to glance at the male. I knew this male. He was a fallen just like me. My friend. My commrade-in-arms, and my brother. I wasn't certain if the brother part was literal or if it was just one of those things very close friends called each other, and perhaps the truth didn't matter. What matter was I knew him. " Do what?" I demanded.

"Leave" He simply said, looking at my handy work. " I knew that you would come back to us. I kept telling the others that you would come back." He moved towards me, placing his hands upon my shoulder. " I've missed you brother"

I wanted to shake his hand off my shoulder. I wanted to scream at him, telling him that I hadn't come back and then leave. Yet, my feet wouldn't move. Instead, I turned and embraced this fallen angel in a hug. We stayed in the embrace for awhile, two old friends being reacquainted. Finally after awhil I pull from the hug " It's good to be home, brother" I say and then I wake up.

It's easy to say that this dream had left me shaken. Is this dream my subconscious fears taking a hold of me? Am I afraid that if I pursue a relationship with anyone  that I will betray them. I might not literally kill them, but the pain they might feel would make death seem like a mercy. Or was there something more was this dream an actual snapshot of my life either past or future.

I know I am a fallen, but what I never understood is why am I a fallen. What did I do to get cast from heaven? Was it something horrible. Surely that has to be the case. Heaven would only cast an angel out for doing something heinous. The dream could also be a represation of my fall. I just don't know. I can't help thinking that the answer is waiting to reveal themselves and I won't like them.